


Moose Plain and his Bird Kids

by GraySonOfGotham



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU
Genre: Bruce is a moose, Crack, Dialogue-Only, Everyone else is a bird, Family Fluff, Gen, Nonsense, Tason Jodd, based off his family, writes a children's book
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-15
Updated: 2019-03-15
Packaged: 2019-11-18 12:54:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18121145
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GraySonOfGotham/pseuds/GraySonOfGotham
Summary: Jason writes a children's book about an orphaned moose named Moose Plain.He reads it aloud to his family.





	Moose Plain and his Bird Kids

“Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, like 20 miles outside of Gotham, there lived a family of meese.”

“Meese?”

“Mooses. A family of mooses, happy? Anyway, they were a very, _very_ happy family of mooses. They were known as the Plain Mooses – Papa Plain, Mama Plain, and Little Moose Plain. One day, a very, _very_ bad thing happened to this family of mooses. A hunter, a _human_ hunter, was hunting in the woods one day-”

“Tt, because a hunter would be picking flowers in the woods.”

“-and Papa Plain and Mama Plain were shot!”

“Oh, the tragedy.”

“And Little Moose Plain was left _all_ alone in the big, dark, scary forest. Luckily for Little Moose, a very nice friend found him. His friend’s name was… Mr. Quarterworth.”

“That’s twenty-four cents more than Alfred.”

“Alfred is _priceless_ , you little- _ahem_. Anyway. Mr. Quarterworth took in Little Moose and raised him like his own son. Little Moose grew up with very little friends, and very little contact with other animals. Little Moose was not very happy, and it made Mr. Quarterworth sad.

“Then, one day, as not-so-little Moose Plain was walking around the woods, his sad emotions a-tumbling inside his big moose heart, Moose came across a little bird that had fallen out of its nest! The baby bird could not yet fly, and its parents were nowhere to be seen. Moose let the little bird climb onto his antlers, and he took the little bird home.”

“Why do I feel like I know this story…”

“Um, _duh,_ because it’s-”

“THE LITTLE BIRD WAS NAMED CHICK!”

“Oh, c’mon!”

“Yes, that’s right. Moose named the little bird Chick. Chick Purpleson.”

“ _Purpleson_ , HA!”

“Chick Purpleson was a very, _very_ good companion for Moose. Chick woke Moose up in the mornings with sweet songs, and when he learned to fly, Chick would bring back little flowers to decorate Moose’s antlers. For a while, Moose was content, and Mr. Quarterworth was happy. Then… Moose found another bird.”

“Let me guess, this bird’s name was something stupid that rhymes with Jason, and he was the most badass bird in the whole wide world.”

“Aw, I’m glad you think so highly of me! But no. This little bird was injured after getting in a fight with a couple of… tigers, yes, tigers.”

“There are tigers in the forest behind the Manor?”

“Shush, you. The bird was fighting tigers, and that’s final. He was very hurt, so Moose scooped up the little bird and carried him back as well. The new bird did not get along with anyone, but after being nursed back to health by Mr. Quarterworth, the new bird, Bluejay O’Lawd, decided to stay.”

“ _Hah!_ O’Lawd, gettit? Like, oh Lor-”

“We get it, Steph.”

“The next bird, I don’t have much to tell you about. He was nosy and jealous of Chick and Bluejay, and because Moose had a weak will, this other bird was allowed to ride around on Moose’s antlers as well. But enough about him, the next-”

“HEY!”

“What?!”

“You can’t just skip Timbo, Jay.”

“ _Ugh_. This new, needy, nosy birdie’s name was Chickadee Headache. Everyone called him Deedee Headachy.”

“But Chickadee sounds like my name!”

“Dick and Chickadee sound nothing alike. Dick, what are you on?”

“Deedee Headachy gave everyone a headache with his whining all the time. He _always_ wanted to be included. He _always_ wanted to be the best. He _always_ wanted to impress Moose. Too bad Moose was easily impressed.”

“I get a feeling you don’t like me very much.”

“Well, Timberly, if you hadn’t eaten the last slice of cheesecake last week, I might be nicer today!”

“That was the only thing I ate all day, god!”

“And it was the last slice of cheesecake that Alfred made for _me_!”

“Jay…”

“ _Ahem_. Anyway. Back to my story. Deedee did not belong in the family. But for some strange reason, Chick, Moose, and Mr. Quarterworth all liked him, so he stayed.”

“Why didn’t Bluejay like him?”

“Because Deedee ate Bluejay’s favorite flower.”

“But birds don’t eat flow-”

“Cassie. I love you, but if you tell me that birds don’t eat flowers, I won’t even write you into my story.”

“JASON. HOW COULD YOU? THIS IS OUR SWEET SISTER CASSANDRA!”

“Yes, I am your sweet sister Cassandra.”

“ _How could you be so cruel?_ ”

“Yes, so cruel.”

“Ugh! Fine! I’m sorry, Cassie. Forgive me, pretty please.”

“Okay.”

“Alright, where was I… Right! Deedee ate Bluejay’s favorite flower, and that’s why Bluejay didn’t like him. Oh, I almost forgot to add, somewhere during this time, Chick found a nice lady bird to keep company. The lady bird’s name was Caw.”

“Who the fuck is _Caw_?”

“Caw was a very pretty red raven.”

“Ah.”

“Even after Caw and Chick decided they didn’t work out, Caw stayed in the family. Things got awkward sometimes… I digress. Following Caw, there was Miss Salamander. She was a salamander. Miss Salamander happened to also be a very pretty red color, and she was a very dangerous salamander. In fact, her name was Predatory Salamander, but everyone just called her Tori.”

“Tori.”

“Yes, like Dory. Or story, or glory, or-”

“Kori?”

“What, no! Where did you get that absurd idea from! No. It was just Tori. Tori did not stay very long, and she went off to do other things. Even more later on, she had very fun adventures with Bluejay and this frog named Boy Violinist.”

“…Boy _Violinist_ …”

“ _Ohhh!_ I get it! Haha, it’s Roy Harper! Because boy rhymes with Roy, and one who plays the harp is-”

“Yes, we _know_ , Steph.”

“Anyway, back to Moose Plain’s growing family. It turned out, that while Moose was wandering the forest quite a while back, he had some encounters with a strange family of birds. And so one day, this stork shows up and drops a bundle in front of Moose, and he says, ‘This is your kid, bro. Please sign here.’”

“I was _not_ delivered by a- a _stork_ , Todd! I found my own way to the Manor, and I-”

“No one was talking about you, you self-centered bratling. I was talking about thing brought by the stork. It was a box of biscuits, so _ha_.”

“Why… does Moose have a box of biscuits for a kid…?”

“I’m kidding, take a _joke_. It was a baby bird, of course. And its name was Heron Plain.”

“Heron doesn’t rhyme with Damian. And now that I think about it, neither does Chickadee with Tim.”

“Yes, it does! Her _on_ , Dami _an_. And chickadee rhymes with Timothy.”

“Eh… does it really?”

“Like you can do better. Now stop interrupting. So, Heron Plain was a brat of a child. No one really liked him, not even his mother’s family. But I suppose Moose liked him okay. And Mr. Quarterworth tolerated the bird. But that’s it.”

“I’m sure Chick liked Heron very much, didn’t he?”

“Nope! No one did. _But_ , everyone did love Falcass Reign.”

“…Even I don’t get that one.”

“C’mon! Falcon… Fal _cass_. And she _reigns_ over the skies...”

“It was a valiant try, Jason. I appreciate it.”

“Thank you, Cassie. Anyway, my point being, Moose suddenly had several nests built into his antlers, and despite the extra weight and the constant chattering, Moose was happy again, and he would not trade his antlers for anything in the whole world. The end.”

“Aw, that was such a sweet ending! Who knew you could be so sweet, Jay!”

“It’s a children’s book. Of course it had to have a happy ending, Dick. Do you _want_ me to make kids cry?”

“I seriously can’t believe that’s getting published. It is absolute trash. I’m not even mentioned in it!”

“Oh, you’re in here alright. I just skipped that page because you kept ruining all the jokes for everyone.”

“ _Heyyy…”_

“Yes, you were the bird that got hit with a flying waffle and forgot how to fly, so Moose took pity on you and took you in. And you had a momentary flingy thingy with Mr. Headache, but kids don’t need to know those nasty details.”

“I think, Jason, you will go on to become a great author, if the whole vigilante thing doesn’t work out for you.”

“Oh, I just wrote this because I made a drunk bet with someone that I couldn’t get a book publish, and well, I got the ten dollars, but… I also got a book published.”

“Wait, if you’re legally dead, how’re you getting this book published.”

“Under a _pseudonym,_ duh. See? _Moose Plain and his Bird Kids_ , by Tason Jodd.”

“Wow.”

“That’s… not suspicious at all.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Tt, you are a disgrace, Todd. Never speak to me again.”

“There’s even a picture of me on the back cover. They let me wear sunglasses and didn’t even question the fake moustache!”

“Jay… that’s a Mr. Potato Head figure.”

“Are you saying I look like Mr. Potato Head?!”

“No, that’s literally-”

“I am _offended_ , Dick Grayson! Talk to me no more. And why I become a self-made millionaire, don’t bother coming to me for money. _Humph!”_

“…He honestly thinks he’s going to sell any of those stupid books?”

“Just… let him live out his delusion, Tim. It’s best to let the storm run its course. At least Jason Todd is legally dead, and it’s Tason Jodd who would be publically humiliated.”

~~~

 _“Tason Jodd – the next Dr. Suess of children’s books, or a one-hit wonder? This mysterious author has sold over 2 million copies of_ Moose Plain and his Bird Kids _in the first day! We have reached out to Mr. Jodd for an interview, but so far, there is no reply. Will we be seeing more of this mysterious children’s author? Or is he going to plummet just as he peaked? Stay tuned for more information.”_

~~~

“Guess what came in today~”

“What?”

“Oh, nothing much. Only my _new book_.”

“You’re still writing those books?!”

“Why wouldn’t I? The first thirteen of them seemed to be doing very _, very_ well. Give it another couple of years, and I’ll be as rich as Wayne himself.”

“Okay, let’s not get our hopes _too_ high there, Jaybird.”

“Ah, but, you see, I’ve written thirteen books in the past year, and each one sold better than the last. I’ve gotten on the New York Times Bestseller’s List with ten different books, and my first book is still up there. Now, do you want to hear about Moose and his new friends Bark and Ms. Princess or not?”

“Well… I suppose present wrapping can wait… You grab snacks, and I’ll get Tim and Dami. We’ll meet you in the den in ten minutes.”

**Author's Note:**

> I've just got a lot of gen crack ideas lately. This is the crack-iest thing I've ever written, forgive me.
> 
> But I really want a bunch of birds to just nest in some moose's antlers. Please.


End file.
